don't drink. don't smoke. what do you do?

being a straight edge these days is still difficult for me. i still have a mind for mischief.

i saw "e" read at the cafe tonight, where i ended up co-hosting again at the last minute. i was once again reminded of the fact that i always felt that other people smelled so well of their laundry detergent and fabric softener, and no matter how much i did laundry, i could never smell "mountain spring" fresh. i write this in reference to my co-host, "k," who was sporting a fragrant "fresh out of the dryer" white t-shirt; he could have been wearing cologne. how come i can't smell like that?

maybe i'm just reclaiming my olfactory nerves after quitting smoking.

"m" made a batch of cookies that she brought to the cafe--ginger chocolate chip cookies. i killed one. in a split second, i rationalized that if i had just that one cookie tonight, i would be prepared for when my sugar fast ended where i would begin to exercise my newly learned virtues of moderation. pretty much, i acted like a fiending drug addict. i might as well have been sneaking a cigarette in the bathroom with the window open and the shower running, justifying the act with the idea that the water's humidity would cleanse my lungs as i waft more tar particles into them. addicts are more complicated then god; our minds work in mysterious ways.

did i just blaspheme? was that heretical? was that statement the equivalent of john lennon saying the beatles were bigger than god? (lightning? lightning?)

"e" now says that he's trying to quit smoking and drinking. fucking biter. what does he think this is, a fucking picnic? (hey dude. what's up?) he's going to still eat sugar, though, so i guess i'm only half-bitten, twice shy.

i recognized a guy from nerve.com at the cafe, tonight. i made sure to make myself invisible to him. god forbid he ever approached me to say, "aren't you on nerve?" i think, then, i'd have to deck him. it would be ugly.

i haven't been able to work on my room. it's driving me crazy. wait. i already was. i think i'm still buzzing from my increased glycemic levels. great. fucking great.