is everything okay?

the biggest thing i accomplished yesterday was when i finally took a shower. supposedly, i'm "working on my room," but i have this big fear about it. it's disastrous. i'm disastrous. why did they decide not to have an "e" between the "t" and "r" in "disastrous?" there was no reason for me to go to "r's" house (this is the "r" that constantly complains that i never write about him. yeah, you!) and watch hours of "ab fab." i know i was in an escapist mood. mood? mood my ass! i'm living an escapist life!

okay. baby steps. i'm being too hard on myself. at least i went through three months worth of junk mail on sunday. i used my parents' mega paper shredder. while i shredded credit card offers and other junk mail correspondence, i wondered about my serious fear of opening mail and paying the bills. why do i suffer from this phobia? it's not like i'm not going to have to pay these bills eventually. maybe, i like the personal contact of having creditors call me at home to basically say, "pay the fuck up. where the hell have you been?" discover card has an interesting system of sending delinquent notices. since i hadn't opened my mail in three months, i was able to chronologically follow the letters of desperation. the first letter containing my discover bill had a note saying that i owed such and such and i need to pay by such and such. the second letter had a preprinted note attached saying, "have you forgotten about us?" after no response from me, the third letter came with another attached note, "is everything okay?" bingo! how the hell did they know? i wonder if hundreds of discover card customers around the country are getting similar letters as they huddle in their closets as the mail pours in... and pours in... and pours in. i'm really on my way to fucking up my credit. i need to get help, but, i know some cold-hearted pragmatist out there is just thinking, "no, idiot. you need to just open your fucking mail!"