today was another chapter in "i'm a human pin cushion." i went to my gyno-gal and she referred to get an ultrasound and mammogram from a place downstairs in the building. because of booked schedules, i won't be able to get in for another TWO WEEKS! meanwhile, i'm supposed to wait around all lumpy and anxious, with slight pain in my breast. not only that, but the inexperienced phlebotomist couldn't even draw a blood sample! i had made sure to down a nalgene bottle of water that morning to get to the doctor's office, but apparently, i was STILL too dehydrated. i told her i would leave and get more water and come back. i ended up going to whole food's next door and getting lunch and a bottle of water to gulp down. when i returned, she still couldn't get a blood sample. i know from experience that it's sometimes hard to find my veins, since they're deep in my arms, but i've seen experienced phlebotomists stick me and draw blood in no time. what's her problem? i got so tired of getting multiple pricks in my arm that i told her i'd come back when i get my mammogram. how ridiculous! sometimes i just hate western medical procedures. they rely on clumsy technology that gets read by even clumsier "professionals" and invasive procedures that hurt you more than help you. that, and western medical doctors never let on enough about how it's all still an inexact science anyway! no more "hokey" than me going to my acupuncturist/herbalist. at least they know where to fucking stick their needles!

yes, i'm venting... but i'm so tired of this shit that i'm starting to not care if i'm sick or not.

tomorrow's the first of what i'm sure will be a number of big days. i plan to get up early, have breakfast, shower, gas up, drive to santa monica and try to act non-chalant as i wait in the lobby to see my gyno-gal. "k" gave me some hope by saying since the lump i found wasn't there during my annual physical last year, then chances are that whatever it is, it hasn't been there too long and i'm catching it quite early. i hope...

but then there's the stats that say if you have a mother who had breast cancer, and since i was a long-time smoker for a number of "i'm gonna live forever" years, and i've sustained a certain unhealthy level of trauma and stress during the course of my 30 years... well, then...

i hope...

and until i get through tomorrow, at least, i'll stop googling hypothetical diagnoses that give explanations for the swollen lymph nodes on my neck, the pebble-sized lump in my breast, the low-key ache i have...

i fucking hate uncertainty, sometimes...

and i think i overuse the ellipses...

screw it. sue me.