tomorrow's the first of what i'm sure will be a number of big days. i plan to get up early, have breakfast, shower, gas up, drive to santa monica and try to act non-chalant as i wait in the lobby to see my gyno-gal. "k" gave me some hope by saying since the lump i found wasn't there during my annual physical last year, then chances are that whatever it is, it hasn't been there too long and i'm catching it quite early. i hope...

but then there's the stats that say if you have a mother who had breast cancer, and since i was a long-time smoker for a number of "i'm gonna live forever" years, and i've sustained a certain unhealthy level of trauma and stress during the course of my 30 years... well, then...

i hope...

and until i get through tomorrow, at least, i'll stop googling hypothetical diagnoses that give explanations for the swollen lymph nodes on my neck, the pebble-sized lump in my breast, the low-key ache i have...

i fucking hate uncertainty, sometimes...

and i think i overuse the ellipses...

screw it. sue me.