why am i dating?
what's the point here? i just (well, okay--7 months) got out of a relationship, do i really need to get involved with someone else upon whom i base any of my own feelings, thoughts or concerns? shouldn't i take a much needed respite where i'm entirely self reliant and take my space to do my own thing? and even if i date one person, why one? should i limit myself during this time of freedom?i
need to date myself. not as in carbon dating for my half-life, but as in going on a date with myself. i have tons of things i'm neglecting, been neglecting, neglected, haven't even thought enough about to even
neglect. maybe that's what my exciting friday night should look like. maybe i'll just go out with jim bean or jack daniels... yeah, that sounds healthy. it also smells like whiskey.
regret and love: living with all of the above
today i watched, "stretchmarks" by veena cabreras-sud today. my friend, "m" and i had screened it years ago for this women of color film festival that we put together. i had forgotten how beautiful a film it was. in it, veena talks about the loneliness and love that she feels as a single mother. how her son is sometimes the only one to bring her flowers or hold her hand for days--the only person who will not leave in the morning. at the same time, he's the reason her lovers don't call back, or why she's always just tired. she says she worries for when her son is old enough to understand her film; she hopes that one day he'll understand that "regret and love can live together." amen.
like a stalled car
forgive me for not having written in OVER A WEEK (god forbid i piss off the dedicated TWO who dare to read my blobs... yes, blobs). "r" left on a jet plane yesterday and i don't know when he'll be back again. (john denver, why did you have to go?) anyway. there's TOO much going on in my life right now that writing doesn't seem to do it justice. but, let me at least include this open letter to "r.":
everything that could go wrong in the early hours of saturday morning went wrong. yes, i overslept. when i called your phone, your sister answered (it was around 8am) saying that you all were in downtown LA already. shit, i thought. wasn't i supposed to be beating you back to LA today? well, i hit the freeway and hit a traffic jam and my car overheated right before reaching my exit. you had called me to say that maybe it's too late to make it to LAX. and i felt like shit. the reason i wanted to stop by my apartment saturday morning, was because i needed to print out the CD cover for the farewell compilation CD i made you at around 4am that morning. but what happens? i run out of ink in my printer. you got a really cyan-soaked version of the "back in a flash" album i made you. what a fool. even still, i was glad when you called saying that there was still time to make it. i figured my frantic 25 minutes at home were enough to cool my fickle engine. on the freeway again...
i can't believe how many jets were at the airport... there are a lot of people really confident with their english-speaking skills, aren't there? i was glad to be able to see you off and give you my imperfect album. your mom showed me all the cool features on her cell phone. she took pictures of her and i and of me by myself, so that when i call her, she'll know it's me. "k" was still crying after we could no longer see you in the security line. your mom whispered to me that she was so glad to have "a" back with the family: "i have my daughter back." your mom told me that she couldn't cry when you first left for college. it was only a few days later, when your neighbor invited her to a trip to the supermarket that she could finally let go of the lump in her throat and chest. i told her: "you'll need to go to the supermarket after this."
last night, i went with "r" (you know, the musical new "someone" in my life) to mount pinos to catch mars coming the closest to the earth ever in 60,000 years. on the way there, i had brought my own version of "back in a flash." i thought, "wow. i lose one 'r' today, to only spend tonight with another 'r'"--and even if you haven't listened to the songs, yet, i kept thinking how cool it would be if you and i were listening to "back in a flash" on our respective journeys: you to japan and i to mount pinos. bizarre... anyway. i don't know if this is much of a letter, but i thought that since i haven't written in awhile, i might as well do it here. BON VOYAGE!!! love, "r"