"don't tell her you saw me"

the other day i spent almost a day catching up with my friend, "r," who i haven't seen in almost two years. he ran out and skipped the country to teach english in japan and now he's back for a minute to stay in touch.

when we first met up, it was like a game show. we had so much to say and share that i felt our sentences were climbing on top of each other. i was able to multitask and manage comprehension of what i was saying and what i was hearing. it was as if we were afraid that time would run out before we could say all we needed to say before he'd have to go back to japan and we'd have to resort to stilted communication over intermittent email messages.

"r" wanted me to see documentaries that he had seen in japan, but wanted to watch with me so that he could see them anew and discuss them. we stayed up until 4am watching "the fog of war: eleven lessons by robert s. mcnamara." we watched it and it confirmed my idea that the world is really run by a bunch of lucky fucks who get to sit around and make big decisions that affect people around the world, and all they go by is the imperfect science of, "oh... what the hell. i think this is this and that is that. let's do it!" so, japan gets fire-bombed and the US successfully kills more civilians than the atomic bomb. hey! they just had to start with the correct hypothesis that fire + wooden city = death and destruction--compute! what a life to be a lucky fuckhead.

anyway, "r" and i start reminiscing and laughing about an old friend/sorta flame, "j" who i don't think ever wants to talk to me again. last i heard, my friend "m" had bumped into him at amoeba records in san francisco and he had told her, "don't tell (me, infiniti) you saw me." that same "m" saw another guy from my past who also had said the same thing. all in one year. it got to the point where it was too absurd and comical for ms. "m."

meanwhile, i'm wondering... what the hell did i do? i guess i'm not a candidate to be the ex-girlfriend guys want to be friends with.

if, as the dustin hoffman character in "i heart huckabees" is right and that everything and everyone in the universe is connected--where you, it, they, that--are all parts of me and vice versa, then perhaps it follows that these exes are just trying to purge a part of themselves... ourselves that they no longer want. but if we're all interconnected, do i really go away?

all right. i must stop here. i sound like i'm stoned and philosophizing. i think i'd prefer to be drunk and philosophizing. i make myself laugh more that way. instead, i'm sober and scattered. ridiculous. end scene.