my new resolution: have a new attitude

all my writing that's considered "creative," sounds so bitter. i sound so bitter. i sound bitter just even writing about my bitterness. it's something that has plagued me for a large part of my life. sometimes, i think it's funny in a pathetic-fantastic way. othertimes, i really hate myself for it. geez. i sound so bitter, right now. what stone fell on my head? what raindrops keep falling on my head? who keeps stepping on my toe? where do i continually stub my toe? why so many questions on supposed causes of bitterness?

maybe i need a therapist. sometimes, the idea troubles me. i think it's too self-absorbed, or something. that's so american. it's a sign of our privilege to be able to have the leisure to pay someone to talk about ourselves. i'm sure it works, but i never have good luck with them. they either weird me out, or contract some chronic disease and have to close up shop (true story here!).

i have a new problem... vertigo. i get dizzy with too bright lights and getting up too quickly. that, and driving. believe me, it doesn't improve my driving skills.

i need to write characters who aren't so damn bitter. even in my first screenplay, the lead character was bitter. bitter, bitter, bitter.

one of the worst poems i heard read aloud was by this woman, "r." "r" from the previous posting would know which, "r" i'm talking about. anyway, it started with this:

"words, words, words." she went on (if you can call it that) to write other poems that started with: "(insert other word), (insert other word), (insert other word)." boy, was it bad. i was subjected to these poems during a time when i was in this theatre company (in another life). god, that seems like such a long time ago. i'm feeling really old and bitter now. i wonder if i should move. i want to live near the beach. i wonder how much it costs. (yeah, as if i have a job with a steady paycheck, right now). huh. i'm a terrible hustler. god, there i go again. bitter.