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1.25.2004



fever!

i'm back from india, but i've been so SICK, SICK, SICK that i haven't stepped outside my house since the airport shuttle dropped me off. i've been living a mostly horizontal lifestyle, hacking up phlegm and fighting off nausea. what is it? it started out as a cold on the plane trip back. i thought, "no big deal. i'll just drug myself with nyquil gelcaps." that worked. it worked all the way up until i got home. then, the chills, the nausea, the coughing... and it was over. i don't have jet lag, as usual, but i have this whatever it is. i haven't been able to eat a full meal in 4 days. the thought of all the airplane food i ate while traveling halfway around the world makes me want to vomit. but now, i have serious cabin fever. i need to break out. i need to get out.

so karma's been killing me. i haven't spoken to "a" since our last date. he called on new year's eve, but i wasn't able to call him before leaving for india. i didn't even email him to let him know i was going to be gone. did i tell him i was even going? i finally got the nerve to write him an email (over a MONTH overdue!) saying, "OH MY GOD! I'M SO SORRY! I'VE BEEN OUT OF THE COUNTRY!" he'll probably trash it. he'll think, "likely story. 'out of the country,' my ass." but really, that was the best i could do. i hope the lords of karma are easy on me. i know. i suck. i'm the worst person to date. i shouldn't date. in fact, i think i'll just focus on... my career? what career? i can barely make rent. what did i say i wanted to be when i "grow up" as a little girl? once, i said, "teacher," but that was under duress of an abusive preschool in michigan. then, in first grade, i said, "nurse," because i think i thought i would look cute in the uniform... but then again, it was probably under duress of having some career carved out for myself. why do they pressure young kids with big questions like that? as if they even know all the possible careers out there at their age. how do they know i didn't want to be a endocrinologist, had i known how to spell it, or even what it means? UGH! i'm under pressure to make this year a happenin' year... i'm crossing my fingers.

btw, this entry is for "r," who erroneously claims that i never write about him on this blog. he complained to me today about how he's sick and tired of reading the same outdated shit on this page. so there. you happy? maybe i've earned some extra karma points, now. (cough, cough).

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